‘What an absolute dump’: Savage Reviews of Berkshire’s Towns

'What an absolute dump': Savage Reviews of Berkshire's Towns

Most of us are at least generally satisfied with our Berkshire hometowns and some are even proud of where we come from, even if our town has flaws.

Reading being the biggest town in the country is among its claims to fame and tourists have been fawning over quaint Windsor and its royal associations for ages.

But people always love a good anonymous moan, and there are plenty of scathing reviews written about Berkshire towns on the website iLiveHere.

Some are clearly locals who really need to move out, while others have made a judgement after just a few visits.

Below are some of the most savage but hilarious reviews of our Berkshire towns. Some of these could be classed as fair comment but others we just can’t agree on.

Reading – “What was once a fairly nice university town is now a hell hole”

Flowers in Forbury Gardens
Not how we would imagine a hell hole to look… (Image: Eddie Greville)

One anonymous reviewer thinks Reading has gone downhill. Oh dear.

They complain that everyone in Reading, Berkshire is “lacking in common manners” and spends their time drinking in pubs until they puke.

They wrote about the town’s supposed emphasis on heavy drinking: “They now have a special bus just to cope with the ‘revellers’ in the hope of stopping them from ending up in the A&E but if you want a quiet evening out, followed by a stroll back to your car you are out of luck.”

They add that there are few decent places to eat and the ones that exist “get booked well in advance and are away from the town centre”.

The reviewer hates the children of the people “lacking in common manners” but they hate the “entitled” children of people who come into town from quiet villages even more.

They said: “At least the mothers care if their child just pushed someone’s granny over, even if that care does stop at the fact that the kid didn’t manage to mug said granny properly, whereas the parents of the entitled child simply won’t accept that their child could have done anything wrong, despite evidence to the contrary and will happily launch a verbal attack on anyone who might so much as look sideways at their badly behaved rude and selfish brats.”

On a serious note the reviewer claimed Reading isn’t a great place for the disabled.

They said: “Reading is one of the most disabled unfriendly places you can go. Great swathes of pedestrian only areas seem like a good idea until you are less mobile at which stage they just act like a huge barrier.

“The major shopping centre car park charges a fortune, so while borrowing a mobility scooter for free sounds like a great idea, in actual fact, the first hours parking is taken up by waiting to get the scooter and trundling to the shops.

“That’s if you manage to book a scooter… every time I have tried they have been fully booked.

“Your other option is free kerbside parking, if you have a blue badge, great if you can get it and if you have your own mobility device, but since the council, put in bus stops, loading bays and taxi stands in all but a couple of the convenient spots your chances of getting it are pretty slim, so be prepared to drive round the town several times before losing your will to live and probably collecting a whole load of bus lane tickets.”

Slough – “You cannot mistake the unmissable stench of s**t”

The Curve in Slough
Has this reviewer actually visited Slough? (Image: Ashley Goodwin)

This reviewer goes straight in saying, “you cannot mistake the unmissable stench of s**t which seems to linger around the place.”

We can’t be 100 per cent sure but this probably has something to do with Slough sewage treatment works beside the M4 and if the reviewer has been to the loo here, they’ve probably contributed in some way.

They go on to slate all residents for every aspect of their lives and even blaming them for the hole in the ozone layer: “It is a common misconception that the hole in the ozone layer was caused by harmful CFC emissions. Not so.

“It was actually caused by the combined heat generated by a billion and one fairy lights, Santas and reindeer which bedeck these skips with windows all through the holiday season (ie December to November annually.)”

They finish with these words of wisdom, (honestly!): “Please come and visit to see for yourself, but remember – KEEP YOUR CAR DOORS LOCKED AND MORE IMPORTANTLY KEEP MOVING!”

Bracknell – “Is a dump … need I say more?”

Music Festival being Held in Bond Square Bracknell
Does it look like a dump to you? (Image: Myles Nicholson)

Two different reviewers waxed on and on about the high crime rates here and rampant teen pregnancies.

One of them even claimed they grew up hearing a rumour that girls who got pregnant would “magically get a flat”.


As for crime they claimed that you don’t need to watch TV crime dramas because you can just look out of the window.

They won’t even walk around at night, saying: “Here even the men walk in groups and after dark it’s a no go area, in short don’t enter Great Hollands estate without a platoon.”

And, of course, they claim anything that isn’t nailed down will get nicked and usually right in front of security and CCTV.

They don’t even have time for the local buses calling them a “joke because where it takes you, only the bus driver knows”.

We’ve defended Bracknell before and we will continue to defend it, it’s not as bad as people claim!

Maidenhead – “What an absolute dump”

River thames in Maidenhead
Another one of Berkshire’s dumps… (Image: BerkshireLive)

This review begins: “Maidenhead’s train station sign should say ‘Abandon all hope here’.”

Not an auspicious introduction.

They continue to say: “The place has been shafted by its Tory council for years, and now is a ghost town of 99p shops, coffee outlets and sod all else.

“It’s meant to be part of the “Royal borough” down to it being linked to Windsor, but all this link does is allow a bunch of slum landlords to charge rents for houses that are dumps- trust me, I’ve seen better appointed sheds.”

To be fair to Maidenhead the town centre is undergoing a lot of redevelopment and investment so hopefully it can turn it around in this reviewer’s eyes.

Fencing round a site being redeveloped
Redevelopment in Maidenhead town centre (Image: Reading Live)

This unhappy reviewer added that it all has a smell of desperation and even claimed the local boys think they’re tough but they really aren’t tough enough!

They said: “The teens all think they are rude boys but if you sent a bunch of them to London they’d be crying for their Mummy within 5 minutes.”


Sandhurst – “There is nothing to do … really, nothing”

Park in Sandhurst
It’s a pleasant place to live (Image: Aldershot Titles)

This reviewer has live in Sandhurst for 10 years and says it is on the whole a pleasant place to live. But they feel bad for the local youth, saying “they are just so stoned the poor dears”.

They said: “The local youth, the bane of most people around the country, seems pretty harmless, but then there is nothing to do.. really nothing .. if you are a teenager other than sit around and chat to your mates on street corners or in the Snaprails Park underpass.

“I’ve run past these kids loads of times and they just about manage to cheer me on with a “keep running mate!” – but then they are just so stoned, the poor dears.

“The main Memorial Park is a good hang out place and looks tidy most of the year as the ground is so waterlogged and muddy nobody can sit down, but when the sun is out, all the local kids descend on the place to picnic and mark their territory with vast amounts of litter all over the football pitches.

“On the rare occasions when the park-keepers haven’t cleared up all the trash by the next day I have even heard kids complaining about them not doing their job properly!

“Every group of teenagers should be forced to have one of their mothers along to make sure they play nicely and clean up after themselves – who wants to be a Designated Mother – anyone? Anyone?”

News from Berkshire Live

Written by Editor

What do you think?

12654 points
Upvote Downvote

Leave a Reply

Woman out jogging

Slough joggers take home top health award

Screenshot of Grand Theft Auto Gameplay

Wasted! Grand Theft Auto Addicted Boy, 11, Swaps PlayStation for Police Station after Driving Family Car